


Heartbreak Even

by jaybear1701, OBFrankenfics, tatarrific



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Season 3 Spoilers, speculation fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-23 14:15:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3771328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaybear1701/pseuds/jaybear1701, https://archiveofourown.org/users/OBFrankenfics/pseuds/OBFrankenfics, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatarrific/pseuds/tatarrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima and Delphine in the aftermath of 3x01. A Cophine spec fic based on various OBS3 spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. No Way Around an Old Pain

Delphine can barely breathe when she sees Cosima, all the air in her lungs expelled by the sudden force crushing around her chest.

Cosima's the last person Delphine expects to come across in the crowded Thai restaurant. But there she is all the same, snug inside a leather booth and regarding the pretty blonde sitting across from her with soft affection. It's _that_ gaze that hurts the most—the one Cosima used to bestow on Delphine, in their lab, in their bed, and everywhere in between. It disrupts her equilibrium more than the way the blonde covers Cosima's hand with her own and strokes the back of her fingertips. More than even the way one corner of Cosima's lips curls up into a half-smile that Delphine has kissed countless times in the past.

It's that tender look between the two women that cuts the deepest, sharp and precise like a scalpel, and Delphine nearly crumbles. Forcing herself to inhale, she averts her eyes and grips the edge of the bar with clammy hands. Wills the restaurant employees to work faster to bring her order, even though the initially enticing aroma of garlic and ginger now makes her stomach sour and queasy.

_Just leave_ , her mind orders. It would be so easy to walk away, like she did so many weeks ago. It'd be the right thing to do. Not only to adhere to her plan, but for her own self-preservation. And yet, in that split-second of weakness, her heart overrides her control and keeps her rooted in place, coaxing her to steal one more glance at the woman Delphine never wanted to love, the woman who just might be falling for someone else.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Comes a familiar, hostile drawl from behind her.

She pivots around and comes face-to-face with Felix Dawkins. Of course. Because things couldn't possibly be any worse.

"Carry out," Delphine answers tersely. "Is that a problem?" Although she understands Felix's antagonism toward her, she's also grown tired of it. She no longer feels the need to play nice with her ex-lover's clone's overprotective foster brother.

Eyes narrowing, Felix crosses his arms and assumes a challenging stance. "As long as you don't get any ideas, we'll be just peachy."

"I'm just here to pick up dinner." Delphine swivels back toward the bar, not in the mood to deal with Felix's open hostility.

"Good," she hears him say. "Because she's happy." _Without you,_ he doesn't add, but the unspoken words take shape regardless and pierce straight through her heart. "Better off."

Delphine shuts her eyes tightly to ward off the sting rising behind them, nostrils flaring slightly as she struggles to maintain calm. Tries to focus on white noise—the clink and scrape of silverware on ceramic, the low murmur of dinner conversation—instead of the blood roaring in her ears. She doesn't respond. Couldn't even if she wanted to. Not with the way her tongue swells thick in her mouth. She swears she can feel the heat of Felix's glare along her back for several stretched seconds before a server finally slides a plastic to-go bag in front of her. Opening her eyes, she accepts her order gratefully and quickly pays with a credit card. By the time she signs the receipt and turns to leave, Felix is already walking toward Cosima and her new girlfriend.

She _does_ look happy. Even from this distance, Delphine can see color once again warming Cosima's cheeks, her innate vivacity radiating from every grin and excited flourish of her hands. She no longer looks like the frail woman who seemed to have one foot firmly planted in the afterlife, if such a thing even existed. And for that, Delphine is grateful. It's all she's ever wanted for Cosima. For her to be _alive._ Healthy. Safe. To have a perfectly mundane, _normal_ life away from shadow conspiracies and unethical science. Even if it meant she lived it with someone else.

But to actually see that happiness fills Delphine with a bittersweet ache that makes her question every decision she's made up to this point; leaves her wondering if her choices to keep Dyad and Topside at bay from the clones were worth it if she could never again bask in the wake of Cosima's gentle smile. The pain radiates from the center of her chest and pulses throughout her entire body—a sensation made exponentially worse when Cosima tilts her head slightly to the side and their eyes meet for the first time in what seems like an age.

Cosima visibly stiffens, lips parting in surprise, and Delphine feels faint, anemic, like she's lost too much blood from the wound in her heart she had been successfully ignoring up until now. Clutching her bag, Delphine heads out the door before Cosima can further react, and before she herself can do anything else she might regret.

* * *

"You two make quite the pair, don't you?"

Cosima smiles, letting the affection radiating from her eyes answer the question. "Yeah, we are. I was kinda... thrust upon Fe, he the unwilling babysitter during my, ah, convalescence, but I think I grew on him."

Felix had abandoned them shortly after they got seated at the restaurant, his attention drawn to the muscular bartender across the room, giving them a chance to discuss their mutual friend. She glances at the woman sitting across from her, letting her grin turn mischievous. "You and he, however. Where did he find _you,_ holistic healer?"

Shay's gaze falls to the table between them, a finger absently testing each tine of the fork laid in front of her, and when she meets Cosima's eye again, it's with a hint of coyness.

"Ah, well. We share some of the same... clients." Shay notes Cosima's eyebrows shoot up with a laugh, but continues unperturbed. "Our paths crossed a few times, as I was leaving a session, he was coming—"

"I bet he was!" Cosima guffaws, delighted at the new development. "And what kind of a 'session' were you there for, Shay? Realigning chakras just in time for Fe to knock them all out of whack again?"

Shay laughs, leaning back in the booth, and Cosima smiles in return, recognizing the spark of flirtation in the blonde's eyes. She lets herself enjoy it, relax into the experience. It feels good to be out, joking with someone new, flirting.

"You are a cheeky one, aren't you?"

Cosima feels her breath falter, trying to keep the smile on her face, looks away. The transition from carefree banter to the vise constricting her chest is swift, one heartbeat to the next, and she swallows thickly, trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Hey," Shay reaches out a tentative hand, concern audible in her voice, "are you okay? Did I—"

"No, no," Cosima shakes her head firmly, "No, it's— I'm just—" She takes a deep breath, flashing an apologetic smile at Shay, "Where _is_ Fe, anyway?"

She turns her head, seeking out Felix, and sees him striding toward them, mouth set in a grim line. She scans the restaurant reflexively, wondering what set him off, and freezes, breath rushing out in an exhale.

_Delphine._

The blonde looks stricken, eyes large and dark against the paleness of her face, meeting hers straight on.

Cosima feels lightheaded, heart pounding in her ears and she stares back, unblinking. Before she can think, form a thought other than _Delphine_ , her ex-lover turns, head lowered, and leaves, the restaurant door swinging shut behind her.

"Well, shite." Felix stands beside her, hip cocked, a hand pinching his brow in disgust. "Of all the bloody Thai joints in the world, right?"

* * *

Having lost her appetite completely, Delphine can't bring herself to eat her meal. Instead, she allows it to grow cold as she buys a pack of cigarettes and smokes them, one by one, on a hard bench along the banks of Lake Ontario.

She thinks of Cosima. Always thinks of Cosima. Delphine's eyes are bloodshot from unshed tears, but she refuses to let them fall. Hasn't, in fact, cried since that day outside of Felix's loft, when she had nearly crumpled to the ground, gasping from the pain she had inflicted on them both, when she had parted from Cosima for reasons that had seemed so clear and bright at the time. But those justifications now merely flicker through Delphine's mind like a hazy cloud of fireflies. The growing disconnect between her heart and her mind eats at her, driving her to what feels like the brink of insanity.

When she finishes the pack and has the dry, burnt taste of tobacco permeating her mouth, Delphine hails a cab and rides back to the luxury brownstone furnished to her by Dyad. She refuses to call it home. It's too cold, too empty—things she never would have noticed, let alone be bothered by, before Cosima walked into her life. And now...

Cosima has moved on. And so too must Delphine. It's something she knows she must accept, a new goal to which she must strive, even as a strong rip tide of sadness threatens to pull her under.

* * *

The trip back to the loft passes in a blur of streetlamps flickering across rain-stained car windows and quiet murmurs from the front seat. Cosima lets her eyes focus on the droplets careening down the car window, forehead pressed against the cool glass. The aroma of their hastily packed dinner permeates the small car, and she swallows, trying to keep nausea at bay.

Shay pulls into the alley, headlights briefly alighting on the garish graffiti before she shuts off the ignition, and for a moment the three of them sit still, the ticking of the cooling engine punctuating the silence.

The blonde glances at the rearview mirror, hesitant, and speaks at the same time as Cosima.

"I should go—"

"Why don't the two of you go ahead—"

She shakes her head, reaching a hand into the front and laying it on Shay's shoulder. "No, no, please stay. I'll be right up. I just, uh," she holds up a joint she had been twirling between her fingers during the ride back, "I just need 10 minutes to work up my appetite."

Felix half-turns toward her, eyebrows creased with worry. "You know you shouldn't, Cos."

She feels the tears coming, nearly undone by the kindness in his voice, shakes her head in an effort to dispel them. "I know. I'll be fine. I just need ten minutes, Fe."

"Cos, it's rainin'—"

"I'll be fine, Fe. Please."

He pulls the door handle, flooding the car with light, and steps out muttering, "Bloody stubbornness runs in the family. Shay, let's go, I have wine upstairs."

Then it's just the two of them and the blonde turns to face her, eyes searching. "Cosima, I can go. It looks like you could use some time to yourself." She cants her head, pausing. "That was... your ex, wasn't it?"

Cosima clears her throat in an attempt to mask the tightness in her chest, to give herself a moment to tamp down the prickling behind her eyelids. "Uh, yeah. But I don't want you to go." She gives the blonde a tremulous smile, shrugging her shoulders. "I haven't seen her since, uh, since we broke up and I could just use a minute. I know it's selfish and not fun for you, but I would like you stay." She's surprised by how much she wants Shay's company. "Will you stay?"

Shay smiles, nodding, and covers Cosima's hand with her own. "Of course. We'll keep the food warm for you."

They get out of the car, Shay hurrying after Felix, and Cosima hunches against the building wall, welcoming the light rain misting against her cheeks. She lights the joint and inhales deeply, heedlessly, coughing once, twice dryly, welcoming the burn in her lungs. She has been doing better, much better, but this is still a textbook case of self-destructive behavior. She picks a speck of pot off her tongue, squints into the rain. The work on finding the cypher has proceeded feverishly, aided by Scott's involvement, but she has found it harder to care about her own wellbeing. Ever since—

_She slid the door open and had to pause, let her heart readjust for the skipped beat at that face, those eyes. The hair was sleek and the make-up heavier, but the arms that wrapped around her hugged her with familiar tenderness and ferocity._

" _Delphine." Cosima melted into the embrace, inhaling._ Delphine _. Warm, present, solid underneath her arms. She exhaled shakily, tears prickling the back of her eyelids. Sarah had mentioned Delphine as one of the players embroiled in the Castor plot, but she had not dared hope. Not until now. "You_ are _back."_

" _Cosima." Delphine held her at arm's length, eyes darting across her face, torso, meeting her gaze again. "You look good. How do you feel?"_

_She fidgeted under the scrutiny, uneasy under the clinical perusal, felt a small pit of dread bloom in her stomach._

" _Good. Better. Wanna come in?"_

_Delphine laid a palm across her forehead, frowning. "And the symptoms? Fever, cough?"_

_She pulled her head back, taking Delphine's hand in hers. "I'm good, don't mother me. Everything took a turn for the better." There it was again, Delphine's eyes flitting away from hers, the nervous grip of her hand in Cosima's. "Are you... did you come to see me, or Sarah?"_

_Cosima recognized the apologetic pursing of lips, felt the bite of disappointment even before Delphine spoke. "Sarah. She's not been returning my calls, and I must speak to her."_

_Cosima saw it then, the pallor and the dark circles under Delphine's eyes masked by the make-up, the brittle cast of her shoulders under the expensive coat betraying exhaustion, the worry. She let a snappy response dissolve on her tongue, concern coloring her voice instead._

" _She's not here, but I'll tell her. Hey, are you okay?" She motioned toward the apartment. "Do you want to come in? Talk?"_

_Delphine took a deep breath, shaking her head, hand tightening around Cosima's. "No, I can't stay but I- I have to tell you something."_

_She knew, of course. She knew what is about to come, her throat tightening in response, but couldn't shake the remaining, stubborn tendril of hope. She nodded, leaning against the wall. "Okay."_

_Delphine squared her shoulders, lips set in a resolute line, but her eyes, when they met Cosima's, were dark with emotion, in contrast with the decisiveness she was trying to project._

_It came out rehearsed, stilted, yet the words still burned. "Cosima, I am keeping my promise to love all of your sisters equally." Delphine hung her head momentarily, sheaf of straight blonde hair obscuring her face, but Cosima could see the effort it took her to compose herself, to continue. She felt her own heart pulsing in her throat, the taste of an echoing emptiness in her mouth, a taste of loss._

_When Delphine eyes met hers again, her composure was fractured. She tried to smile, lips trembling, and Cosima felt her grasp reflexively tighten. "But to do that, I can't do-," her hand lifted their intertwined fingers, "this."_

_Cosima shook her head, eyes filling with tears. She knew. She knew all along that a line had been drawn, Dyad versus Leda, and it ran straight through Delphine. If she had been willing to face it, had been brave enough to make a choice herself, she knew choosing one would mean losing the other: her sisters or Delphine. But she had not, had avoided dealing with the hard facts of their relationship, all for a chance to wake up one more day in Delphine's arms, all for the simple fact she now offered as her only response._

_"But I love_ you _. I don't want to lose you, Delphine."_

_Delphine pulled her hand out of Cosima's grasp at the words, breath hitching on a sob._

_"I love you too, but I can't— it's not safe—" and then she was undone, teeth closing on a knuckle of her hand, pain to offset pain. "Cosima, I can't—"_

_She reached out for Delphine, tried to console, but Delphine stopped her with a shake off her head. She wrapped her arms around herself instead, her need for comfort as strong as the urge to offer it. "Okay," she said, "Okay." There was more she wanted to do, much more she wanted to say, but she didn't. Instead, she looked at the woman she loves, the woman who was standing before her braced, bravely breaking her own heart even as she broke Cosima's, took in the contours of the familiar face, now recast by grief._

_This was it then. Her own casualty in the war they didn't ask for. The choice, again, was made for her. She nodded her head, eyes locked with Delphine's. "Okay."_

_There was nothing to do, then, but turn away and walk in, slide the door behind her._

Cosima lets the roach fall from her hand, watches it sputter out with a hiss in a puddle at her feet. The pot leaves a stale taste in her mouth, an answering sourness in her stomach, and she pushes off the wall with disgust. Tonight was going to be carefree, getting to know a new person, someone with no ulterior agenda or divided loyalties, someone whose interest in her body was prurient, and didn't involve questions on stem cell compatibility or unlocking the secret of her genetic code. She, after weeks of heartbreak, is ready for prurient.

So why, then, did the glance of Delphine across a crowded restaurant conjure the one feeling she did not experience in the emotional gamut of the past few weeks: hope?


	2. Farther Leads to You

* * *

 

On orders from Marion, Ferdinand arrives later in the week for updates on the Castor situation. As they make idle chit chat in her office, Ferdinand can barely disguise his contempt and neither can Delphine. Despite their mutual loathing, however, they maintain pretenses. It's business after all. Part of their roles in the perilous game they've chosen to play.

The meeting ends quickly and Delphine bids him farewell at her office door, where Ferdinand suddenly leans forward to kiss her cheek and whisper, "Don't think I've forgotten my last visit, Dr. Cormier." His cologne is strong, off-putting. "Marion won't be able to protect you forever."

Delphine's first instinct is to pull away, but she tamps down her disgust, leaning in to allow him to kiss the other cheek. "Threaten me again and I'll strangle you myself," she says silkily through teeth forced into a frozen smile.

Narrowing his eyes, Ferdinand takes his leave and brushes past her. Just as Delphine is about to relax, she hears him say, "Good day, Ms. Niehaus."

Every muscle in Delphine's body locks. She doesn't want to turn around, afraid of what she'll encounter, but can't stop herself either.

Cosima stands a few feet away, stunning as always even in her usual white lab coat, an eclectically patterned top and black jeans underneath. She wears an unreadable look on her usually expressive face, dark brown eyes intense.

"Wow." Cosima breaks the heavy silence. "I always knew Dyad was in bed with Topside. Didn't realize it was literal."

Delphine wants to laugh and does, which makes Cosima's jaw clench tight. Cosima doesn't understand; doesn't have the complete picture. She was never meant to and Delphine made sure of that. This entire situation was of Delphine's own making. Shaking her head, Delphine doesn't dignify Cosima's barb with any additional response. Just walks back into her office and lets the door close behind her.

 

* * *

 

She has meandered through the hallways of Dyad in consecutively tighter concentric circles, unsure, until the very moment the elevator opens at the top floor, if she's going to give in to the impulse to seek out Delphine. It has been nearly a week since their paths crossed and she has been unable, if through a sheer lack of desire to do so, to stop thinking about Delphine. She has repeatedly found herself bent over her microscope, or staring through the lines of code on her screen with unfocused eyes, playing with a high-schooler's zeal through various scenarios in which she runs into Delphine, starts a conversation, takes her by the hand and... the fantasies would all peter out with gauzy uncertainty at that point, but would still leave her feeling happier and flushed with excitement.

She knows through Sarah's terse missives that Delphine will have meetings with Topside's brass at Dyad today, and so she finds herself rounding the corner to Delphine's office. There, a flirtatious smile on her face, she sees Delphine offer her cheek to Ferdinand, the man's lips lingering near her ear. She can't hear what he murmurs to Delphine but sees the new Dyad director step in closer and whisper a response, her body language predatory. When Ferdinand steps away, turning, the smirk on his face is self-satisfied and he throws a wink in Cosima's direction as he shoulders past her.

"Good day, Ms. Niehaus."

The burn of jealousy is sharp and immediate, and when Delphine turns to face her, features inscrutable, she lashes out.

"Wow. I always knew Dyad was in bed with Topside. Didn't realize it was literal."

Delphine lets out a short chuckle in response, the sound bouncing hollowly off the glass walls of her office, before wordlessly turning on her heel and closing the door behind her. And so Cosima stands there, hands fisted at her sides, and feels the slow creep of anger and embarrassment consume her. How could she be so stupid again, entertaining teenage fantasies and rosy reconciliation scenarios based on a look exchanged across a room? And here is the reality, staring her back in the face: Delphine, assuming the directorship - with all its trappings, including cavorting with Rachel's playmates - with consummate ease.

Cosima closes her eyes against the image of Delphine's lips brushing against Ferdinand's ear, his knowing smile, but is unable to repress a shudder that runs through her. Here, then, is the answer to the question that stayed with her all these weeks: why did Delphine find it necessary to distance herself from Cosima, even as she pulled Sarah and Alison deeper into her machinations?

It wasn't a matter of her own safety, after all, as much as a matter of corporate expediency. Turning, she swallows thickly, then inhales. Exhales. How many times does the _experiment_ have to take precedence for Delphine over her, the _lover_ , before she will learn?

 

* * *

 

Scott fumbles a microscope slide onto the floor when Delphine enters the lab, heels clacking loudly against the stone tile. Just as they had arranged, Cosima is nowhere in sight and Delphine breathes out in relief just as Scott jumps awkwardly to his feet.

"Dr. Cormier!" He exclaims. "Welcome."

"Please, Scott," she motions for him to sit back down, "it's still just Delphine."

"Delphine," he repeats, foot tapping an erratic beat on the metal rung of his favorite stool. "Of course." She's always been fond of him, painfully shy awkwardness and all, and it hurts to see him so nervous around her.

"How is she?" Delphine asks, careful to keep her tone neutral and steady.

"Well, I think," he responds eagerly, pushing up his glasses. "No recurrence of fever. Blood pressure fairly constant. Cough not as severe. And progress on the gene therapy is proceeding as scheduled..."

Her gaze drifts around the room as Scott continues with his update and Delphine is inordinately pleased to find that the lab looks more or less the same. Cosima's scarves hang along the walls. Several tea mugs line the back wall. A maroon blanket lies haphazardly along the back of the leather couch on which she and Cosima had quietly professed their love to each other amid whispered confessions and pointed threats. She can still feel Cosima's warm weight across the tops of her thighs, the soft slide of fingers between her own, the gentle caress against her cheek. Her heart throbs painfully at the memory and her face must falter because Scott's voice suddenly fades back in from the background.

"Delphine? You okay?"

"Yes." She clears her throat, rearranging the mask and returning her attention back to a concerned Scott. "Was there anything else?"

"That's all for now."

Delphine's mind flashes to the Thai restaurant and the blonde who had gazed at Cosima with unabashed tenderness. She swallows against the bitter taste of jealousy in her mouth. "Are you sure?"

"Uh…" Brows knitting together, Scott shrugs up his shoulders with uncertainty. "Yes?"

"Scott," Delphine crosses her arms, "your new role includes not only monitoring Cosima's physical well being, but other aspects of her life as well. Her mental and emotional state. Her social behavior."

"Oh." Scott fidgets on the stool, clearly uncomfortable now that the conversation is veering from the scientific. "Um. She seems to be fine. Considering, you know, everything."

"Has she been," Delphine chooses her words carefully, "socially active?"

"You mean, like, does she go out?"

Delphine inclines her head forward.

Burying his hands underneath his armpits, Scott shifts his weight from one side to the other. "Yeah. She plays Rune Wars with me and the guys every once in a while. Hangs out a lot with Felix, and Sarah too when she's around."

"So...no new friends?"

"Not that I know of."

Delphine fixes what she hopes is her most intimidating stare on Scott, who seems to wilt right in front of her eyes. She almost feels bad for him. Almost.

"Well, there is this new girl. One of Felix's friends. They've been...spending more time together lately."

She exhales slowly, bracing herself for the answer to her next question. "Is she interested in her?"

He winces and rubs the back of his neck. "I don't know."

"Scott…"

"She hasn't really said-"

"Spit it out."

"I dunno. Maybe? Yes? I mean, she seems happy with her."

Delphine blinks once. Twice. "Okay," she says, fighting to keep vertigo at bay. This is what you wanted, she reminds herself. And you got it. "Okay. Well done, Scott. We'll touch base again in a few weeks."

With that, she heads to the exit, but before she can pull open the door, she hears her name. When she turns around, the sympathy on Scott's face nearly undoes her.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

She spares him a small, affectionate smile. "Me too."

 

* * *

 

"Cos, I hate to ask you this, but I need you to take something up to Delphine for me tomorrow." Sarah plops onto Felix's couch with a groan, holding up a thumb drive. "You're going to the lab in the morning, yeah?"

Cosima shrugs her shoulder noncommittally, not taking her eyes off the laptop screen.

"Sure, I'll have Scott run it over. What is it?"

The pause is long enough for her to look up questioningly at Sarah. The cut on Sarah's lip, courtesy of her last run-in with Rudy, is swollen and her eyes are puffy. She looks like she hasn't slept in days, but there is a softness in her face when she looks at Cosima, a tentativeness that looks like.. _pity._ Cosima feels irritation flare up.

"Cos, I really wouldn't ask-"

"What am I, the courier pigeon, now?" She slams the laptop shut. "Scott can take it up. I don't want to see her. Besides, wouldn't want to make Ferdinand jealous if he sees me there again."

Sarah frowns, nonplussed. "Ferd- what?"

"He's been getting cosy with the new Director," she spits out. "Or did your buddy Delphine forget to mention that part to you?"

Sarah exhales slowly, and sits up. She leans forward, her forearms against her knees, a tight cast to her shoulders. When she speaks again Cosima can hear the tiredness in her voice.

"Look Cos, I- I shouldn't have asked you. I know this is hard." Cosima swallows, looking away from Sarah, presses her lips against the tightness in her throat. She is done crying. "But, listen to me, Delphine, she- she's in the middle of some heavy shite herself, yeah? You know she hasn't been my favorite person, but-," Sarah cants her head, waiting for eye contact. When their eyes meet, she crooks a smile at Cosima.

"I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry. I still don't know that I trust her, but the one thing I do know is that we have each other, and she's out there with the sharks, on her own, doing her best to keep herself alive."

Cosima looks up, eyebrows knitted. "Is she- she's in danger?"

"She's playing, like, triple agent or some such thing and this," she motions at her face, bruises left by Rudy blooming against her skin, "is just one part of it. You remember what happened to the last Dyad director, yeah?"

Cosima nods, lips pursing. "Right. So, Ferdinand to keep her safe."

Sarah's lips stretch with impatience. "She brought Ferdinand to heel for now, but he needs to be kept on a tight leash."

Cosima looks away, perturbed. She has heard enough about Ferdinand's proclivities from Sarah not to appreciate the visual.

"Hey, Cosima?" She looks at Sarah, her sister's eyes kind. "I will admit that she is really good at playing the uber bitch, a little too good? But, Cos, whenever I mention your name in front of her, she cracks a little."

Cosima hangs her head, closing her eyes. _Their eyes meet across the crowded restaurant, and she can see, even from that distance, the pain on Delphine's face._ She feels Sarah's hand on her knee giving her a reassuring squeeze.

"For what it's worth, I think she does love you." She places the thumb drive on the coffee table in front of Cosima. "Let me know if you don't want to do this, and I'll figure something out. You get some sleep, okay?"

Cosima nods, standing with Sarah and opens her arms. Her sister feels warm, solid in her arms, a sweet tang of sweat mixing with the dry scent of her leather jacket.

"Yeah, you too. You, uh, stink, ya know?"

Sarah chuckles, stepping away and punches her shoulder. "Twat. You be good to yourself, a'right?"

She smiles, wrapping her arms around herself. She will. She will do the one thing to make her feel better.

 

* * *

 

Delphine's stomach rolls and knots when she follows Nealon to Rachel Duncan's room for a progress report on Rachel's condition. Though the clone barely acknowledges their presence and simply stares at the far wall with one hazel-brown eye devoid of emotion, her form tenses whenever Delphine passes near. A small part of Delphine, one that she has tried to excise, thrills at the fear she instills in her nemesis. But that thrill is also accompanied by a wave of revulsion, for herself, for what she did to Rachel, that threatens to overwhelm her.

When Nealon leaves to attend to other subjects, Delphine can barely stand to look at Rachel and her achingly familiar visage, still half wrapped underneath layers of soft gauze. Delphine wants nothing more than to be rid of the harsh antiseptic stench that stings her sinuses, the incessant beeps from the monitor, the constant reminder of the darkness she so vengefully embraced. But Delphine manages to maintain her poise and go through the routine diagnostics, with Rachel slowly stutter terse answers to Delphine's questions.

She's about to leave when Rachel mumbles: "I kn-know. You. Marion."

Delphine pauses at the doorway, but doesn't turn around.

"W-won't work," Rachel continues despite her silence.

All the Leda clones are clever, each in their own way. And despite the trauma inflicted on Rachel's frontal lobe, her mind somehow continues to be sharp. But Delphine also won't give Rachel the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her. Not again. Not when she's so close to keeping Cosima and her sisters safe. Delphine twists the doorknob and steps out without looking back.

 

* * *

 

Cosima leans against a concrete pillar in Dyad's underground garage, absentmindedly fiddling with the small thumb drive tucked into her pocket. She wonders what's on it-belatedly realizing that Sarah had avoided answering that particular question before Art came to the loft and whisked her away-and then ponders what Delphine might do for it. _Secrets are power,_ afterall.

The sound of approaching footsteps echoes throughout the parking lot and Cosima instantly knows, without seeing, that it's Delphine. She watches her appear from between a row of cars and walk toward a silver sports coupe, its headlights flashing along with a chirp as Delphine remotely unlocks the door. Her gait confident, she is as striking as ever with her slick hair and slim power suit, and Cosima feels her confidence waver, unsure about accosting Delphine after their last exchange.

But something spurs her onward nonetheless and she approaches the vehicle's passenger-side door. Delphine doesn't see her approach and startles when Cosima calls out her name, her hand flying immediately into her messenger bag.

"Hey." Cosima raises her palms up. "Sorry, didn't mean to freak you out."

"Cosima." Delphine breathes out, but doesn't relax. Her muscles remain rigidly taut, like she could easily snap into two with just the slightest bit of pressure. "What are you doing here?"

"I have something for you," she explains. "From Sarah."

Delphine pulls her hand out of her bag and reaches up to brush several loose strands of hair behind her ear. "We have other procedures for that."

"Sarah insisted." Cosima can tell by the way Delphine's nostrils flare almost imperceptibly that the news has annoyed her.

"Fine," she says, nodding once succinctly. "Hand it over."

"Not here." Cosima drops her hands and shakes her head. Delphine stares at her. Hard. It's unnerving, the iciness in Delphine's normally warm hazel eyes, and Cosima suppresses a shiver.

"We can't be seen together outside of Dyad," Delphine says. "You know that."

"No, I don't know that." Cosima crosses her arms. "Because you never tell me anything. Why is that?"

Delphine purses her lips. "You know why," she says.

"No, actually, I don't know that either." Cosima tilts her entire body to the side. "If you want whatever Sarah has for you, then enlighten me."

She can see Delphine's jaw clench and the muscles of her throat constrict. The silence stretches wide, chasm-like, between them and Cosima's sure that she'll be summarily dismissed when Delphine reaches out and yanks open the driver's side door.

"Get in," she orders and Cosima doesn't hesitate to pull on the passenger side door and settle into the leather seat. The interior is nearly pristine, save for a few spent truffle wrappers tucked inside a cup holder in the center console. At least some things don't change, and the sight makes Cosima smile.

Delphine turns the ignition, steps on the clutch, shifts the car into first gear, and accelerates out of the garage with a squeal of tires on epoxy. They don't speak as Delphine winds them through the evening rush hour. Cosima glances at Delphine out of the corner of her eye, taking in the seriousness of her profile as she concentrates on driving. And for a moment, Cosima allows herself the luxury of pretending that everything's fine; that they're simply commuting home after a long day in the lab; that she can just reach out, lay a hand over Delphine's on the shifter, and intertwine their fingers.

"Delphine," Cosima finally says when they're stopped at a long red light. "What I said the other day, outside your office…" It's difficult to get the words out. She's never been good with apologies, never been good at admitting she's wrong, but she takes a deep breath and forges on. "I was out of line. Those weren't the first words I wanted to say to you after, you know, since we last saw each other."

Delphine barely nods, keeping her eyes trained on the road.

"Where exactly are you taking us?" Cosima asks when she begins to recognize the route Delphine has taken.

"Felix's." Delphine still doesn't look at her and Cosima exhales her disappointment.

"Can't we just... go somewhere? To talk?"

Delphine's fingers tighten around the steering wheel to the point where her knuckles blanche. "That's not a good idea."

"And what if I told you I had more information? About Duncan's cypher."

Delphine's gaze finally snaps toward her and Cosima's not quite sure whether to feel hurt that she only now seems to have Delphine's full attention. At the next intersection, Delphine turns left instead of right, going in the opposite direction of Felix's loft. They don't speak, even though Cosima's curiosity exponentially grows the longer they drive. Dirty buildings and cracked pavement eventually morph into green trees and shrubbery as they reach a brownstone in Forest Hill and Delphine parks in a garage around the back.

"Swanky place," Cosima comments as they leave the car. "Yours?"

"Dyad's," Delphine says. "But I have it swept for bugs daily, so we can talk freely here. Come."

She leads Cosima up a set of stairs into a cold living area starkly furnished with hard lines and edges, in black, whites, and grays. Cosima watches Delphine hang up her bag and walk stiffly to an open kitchen with onyx countertops and stainless steel appliances. The entire space looks and feels completely sterile, unlived in, like it could have come straight out of a showroom, and a wave of sadness inexplicably crests and breaks within Cosima.

"Would you like something to drink?" Delphine asks, pulling out a bottle of red from a built in cooler and two stemless goblets from a cabinet.

"Uh, sure. Thanks."

Delphine uncorks the wine and pours it into the glasses. She hands one to Cosima, both avoiding each other's gazes as they each take a sip. The wine feels soft in her mouth, delicate, with a mildly sweet finish. It's easier to focus on that rather than the way Delphine's mouth seems to kiss the lip of her glass, the way her tongue darts out to catch an errant drop sliding from the rim.

"So," Delphine says. "The cypher."

Cosima shakes her head. "You want information? So do I."

Licking her lips, Delphine takes another drink. "Quid pro quo? Okay. What do you want to know?"

She's been wanting to ask this question for weeks now. Has been aching for the answer. "Why did you break up with me?"

Delphine stands completely still, eyes wavering slightly. "I've already told you."

"To love us all equally?"

"Yes."

"That's bullshit." Cosima tries to keep the bitterness from her voice and, for the most part, succeeds. She sets her glass down on the counter. "If that's the real reason, then why do you involve Sarah, and even Alison, in whatever it is that you do?" Why them and not me?

"We all have our roles."

"Right, you mentioned that. So what's yours? Sell your soul to… to what? Protect us?"

"To protect _you_." Delphine flinches when she realizes what she's said. "All of you."

Cosima scoffs even as her heart swells. "Do you have any idea how self-righteous that sounds!? You just… made a decision without even giving me a say in it. Again." She dips into her pocket, pulls out the thumb drive, and slaps it down next to her glass. "Explain to me why we're not together."

"Because it's safer that way."

"But we're not safe, whether we're together or not! Castor. Topside. This fucking disease." Cosima clenches her fists. "None of those things will go away just because we're apart." She can feel anger searing hot in her chest and she pauses, trying to regain control over her emotions. "You always think you know what's best for me. But you don't. So who are you really protecting, Delphine? Me… or you?"

Delphine's expression falters and she turns her back on Cosima, placing her own drink down and resting her hands on the edge of the counter. "Cosima… the things I've done… the things I still have to do..." Delphine's voice wavers and Cosima can't help but close the distance between them.

Cosima steps into Delphine's personal space and Delphine stiffens. She doesn't touch her. They're mere inches apart and Cosima closes her eyes briefly at the familiar scent of Delphine's perfume, lavender and honey. "Just tell me," she whispers.

Delphine faces her again, golden eyes intense. "I've hurt people," she says. "Willingly. And I'd do it again."

"Who?"

"Does it matter?" Delphine asks. "Could you live with that?"

Cosima takes a step back, unsure, and Delphine lets out a humorless chuckle, as if she had expected that reaction. The sound raises Cosima's hackles. "What if I could?"

Delphine shakes her head. "Cosima, I don't want that for you. That darkness."

"You don't get to decide that," she answers, straightening her spine and lifting her chin, bringing herself up to full height.

One corner of Delphine's lips curls up. "You're right. I don't. But it takes two to be in a relationship. And I've made my choice."

The words sting because they're accurate. It's always about choice, right or wrong.

Delphine inhales and exhales, wraps her arms around herself. "You said you had information on Duncan's cypher," she says.

"I wasn't finished."

"What more is there to say?"

"You don't want to be with me. That's fine. It's whatever." Delphine goes still. Too still. And Cosima tries to shrug nonchalantly despite the pain radiating in her chest. "But we were friends once. Why can't we at least be that?"

"Friends?" Delphine's facade cracks and she huffs out a short laugh. "I don't think so."

"Why?"

"You know why."

Cosima shakes her head, waving a hand in frustration. "Why do you keep saying that? Can't you just give me a straight answer for once?"

Delphine watches her, attempting to remain impassive, but her eyes betray her. They reflect an array of unnameable emotions that make Cosima's chest clench with both anticipation and dread.

"Fine. You want to know why?" Delphine approaches slowly, predatorily, caging Cosima between her arms and pinning her against the counter. "Can you honestly tell me that you can be my friend, knowing that someone else is with me? Inside me?" Delphine's eyes drop to her lips and Cosima releases a shuddered breath, hating the way her heart and body simultaneously lurch for Delphine. "Because I can't, Cosima. It would kill me. Is killing me."

"I'm not with anyone," she whispers and Delphine gives her a look, half disbelief, half hope. "She's just a friend."

"For now." It's not a question.

"Delphine." She shakes her head, unable to keep herself from reaching up and grazing her fingertips along her jawline. "While you were gone, I nearly died. And I… I saw you. And I knew. I had to come back. For you. For _us._ "

 

* * *

 

Cosima looks at her and it is _that_ look again, love, longing and desire bright in her dark eyes. She is powerless, always has been, to resist the pull Cosima has on her, the way the plaintive rasp of her lover's voice can cleave her open every time. Delphine closes her eyes, lowers her head until their foreheads touch, feels Cosima still with expectation, her body trapped between the counter and Delphine.

She can't do this. She can't do what she must, can't be the Delphine who confers with Nealon and juggles Marion and Ferdinand, the Delphine who doesn't hesitate to _torture_ , and also be the woman who looks into those eyes every day. A woman who loves.

She pushes off the counter, turning away.

"You should leave."

Cosima's breath comes out in a disbelieving huff. "Lea- Did you not hear what I said?"

She bites down on her lip, but when she speaks her tone is even. She is getting good at this. "Thank you for bringing the drive. I will contact Sarah when I have had a chance to review the information."

"No." Cosima's voice is firm, and Delphine's spine stiffens, feeling the smaller woman draw closer. "Not this time."

"Cosima-," but the hand clasped around her wrist is tugging her lower and another is slipping around her neck and when Cosima presses their lips together it is firm and tender and hungry.

"Cosima, no-," She can't, though, not again, and tries to pull away, but Cosima's body is flush against hers now and her hands, cool against Delphine's face, are holding her still.

"Yes, Delphine." Cosima husks out against her lips, pulling away slightly, but Delphine keeps her eyes closed, shakes her head. "Yes. I _love_ you. I love you and I _need_ you." Cosima's breath hitches and Delphine's hands close around the narrow hips, pulling them in reflexively in response to the plea.

Cosima is warm under her touch, her lips slowly marking a trail, one soft kiss after another, across her jawline, down the side of her neck and she shudders. The sweet scent that is uniquely Cosima is achingly familiar, sandalwood and a soft undercurrent of musk, and for a disembodied moment she is taken back to the very beginning, to another wine-tinged kiss. The memory stings.

"Cosima, I can't-," but then those lips are back against hers and this time the kiss is hard and insistent, Cosima's hands fisted in her hair. Cosima tugs her down sharply, demanding, and she responds, fingers sinking into the supple flesh of Cosima's hips, teeth closing against a soft lip. Cosima moans in response, yielding, and Delphine feels a sharp spark of desire pierce her chest and descend lower, surges into it.

She walks Cosima backwards toward the couch, movements feverish. The patterned sweater lies discarded on the kitchen floor, her own jacket next to it, and when she slides her palms under the fabric of Cosima's top, her knees nearly buckle under the sensation.

She tugs Cosima's tank top off jerkily, knocking her glasses off in the process, leaving her clad only in a low-slung skirt and bra, her eyes drawn to the expanse of pale skin. She notes the changes, the protruding hip bones, the way Cosima's bra hangs a bit looser around her ribcage. She falters against this stark reminder of Cosima's frailty, noting the goosebumps that prickle the skin of the gaunt abdomen, but Cosima steps up, guides her hands back against warm skin.

"Shhh," Cosima murmurs in between soft kisses she places along Delphine's collarbone, "Shhhh, it's okay. I'm okay." Deft hands slide her shirt off, and she feels her breath hitch when Cosima presses against her fully, skin against skin. She finds herself rooted with uncertainty, hands almost primly pressed against Cosima's back even as the shorter woman divests, first Delphine then herself, of their bras and steps back into her embrace.

Delphine lowers her head, nuzzling softly into the stray hairs at Cosima's temple, whispers, "I missed you," feels Cosima sigh in answer, bony shoulder blades shifting with the exhale under Delphine's hands. She runs her hands slowly down the plane of Cosima's back, gently pressing her in closer, feels the swell of breasts slot in under her own. Cosima's lips are soft against her collarbone, a sharp nip of teeth alternating with the gentlest of kisses.

She slides her hands gently down the slope of Cosima's back, feeling each bony knob of her spine with the tips of her fingertips, relishes the responding shiver. She feels it give then, the brittle exoskeleton constructed over weeks of mounting tension and corporate intrigue, the shiny, lacquered armor she erected against Sarah's barbs and Ferdinand's threats, cracked by the tenderness of Cosima's touch. It splinters, and out comes, with every touch of Cosima's hands, every reverent kiss she feels undeserving of, a torrent of emotions it held within: fear, loneliness, gnawing doubt.

She feels the pressure building against her breastbone, the tell-tale prickle behind her eyelids, and tries to tamp down the emotions. She buries her face in the crook of Cosima's neck, winding her arms around her, pressing in close, can't stop the sob that escapes. Cosima's arms tighten around her in response and with that last bit of tenderness, Delphine comes undone.

It breaks out of her in heaves, in big gulping sobs; the fear, the stress of the weeks spent evading threats, Ferdinand, Rudy, Marion, and the darkening, irrepressible echo of her own actions - _Rachel's hands fisted in pain, mumbled, half comprehensive pleas; uncomprehending heartbreak spreading across Cosima's face, dark eyes pleading with her to stay; Alison's fear quickly melting the put-on facade of Sarah's bravado under Ferdinand's hands; Sarah's scornful sneer. All so similar, nearly identical, one accusing set of eyes after another._

She can feel Cosima guiding her gently to the sofa, pulling her down and into her arms. Delphine sinks into the embrace greedily, seeking to anchor, to reign in the wild sway of her emotions. Cosima holds her close, lips pressed against her temple and she relaxes into her arms, lets the gentle sway of Cosima's rocking back and forth calm her down.

"Shhhhh," Cosima is running her hands across her back soothingly, laying soft kisses against her temple, and Delphine feels the rhythmic motion calm her down, her sobs tapering off into soft hiccups, "shhhhhhh."

She lets herself relax into it, too tired to fight against the comfort Cosima offers, allows herself to be soothed for this precious moment, to be kissed, feel loved. She feels Cosima press her backward, guide her to lay back onto the cushions of the sofa. She lies down, momentarily separated from Cosima, her face feeling swollen against the cool air of the room, but then Cosima is back, pressed atop of her, the touch of her denuded body meant to soothe. Dark eyes bore into hers and Delphine meets them bravely, no longer able to hide behind her facade. She notes Cosima's perusal, the way her eyes darken with concern and is unable to hold back the tears that spring back in response. It wasn't until that moment that Delphine realizes how long it had been since anyone looked at her with kindness, how affected she'd been by it.

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Cosima cups her cheek, thumb gently sweeping away the tears. "Can you talk to me?"

But she can't, not really, not in any way that matters, so Delphine shakes her head mutely, takes a deep breath. When she speaks, her voice is tremulous, broken, but she let's herself ask for what she needs.

"Can you- can you just hold me?"

The interplay of emotions on Cosima's face is quick - consternation, worry - but some internal monologue seems settled with a quick pressing of her lips and a short nod.

"Of course," she lays her head on Delphine's breast, their bodies slotting together with ease, and murmurs, "but we'll talk later."

Delphine nods in acquiescence and wraps her arms more tightly around the smaller body. That is a promise she can make.

 

* * *

 

She is woken by soft kisses placed against her sternum, the bright lights of her living room harsh against her eyes.

"Cosima," she exhales with relief, "what-what time is it?"

Cosima looks up, eyes soft and smiles. "Just past 2. Why don't we find a real bed?"

Delphine nods, sitting up. She feels her heart thump solidly at the familiar way Cosima's face scrunches up in myopic confusion as she takes her hand, leads her upstairs.

Her bedroom is dark save for the streetlights filtering through the sheer curtains, her bed still unmade from this morning. She sees Cosima pause at the foot of it, take in the imprint of Delphine's body on the left side, the way the covers on the right side of the bed, the side on which Cosima would normally sleep, are still tucked in crisply, undisturbed.

She slips her skirt off and climbs into the bed wordlessly, taking up the space on the right. Delphine follows suit, kicking off her boots and taking off her pants, tries to ignore what the sight of Cosima, arms crossed under her head, observing her undress, does to her.

She climbs in, turning toward Cosima, let's her eyes follow the familiar contours in the darkness of the room.

"Feeling a bit better?"

Delphine takes stock, registers the puffiness of her eyes, the receding note of a headache, nods her head.

"Yes. I- thank you."

When Cosima reaches for her this time, shifting until their bodies are sideways, flush against each other, she relaxes into it. Cosima closes the space between them tentatively, lips soft against Delphine's and she leans into it with a sigh. When her eyes close this time, she is able to focus on the sensation of the smaller body against hers, the way Cosima's thigh flexes with intent between her legs. Delphine moves to roll on top but is stopped, Cosima reversing her motion and settling atop instead, deepening the kiss. She feels a tendril of worry wind through her, and pulls back from the kiss.

"Are you okay, _cherié?_ Was I too heavy?"

Cosima chuckles softly in response and shakes her head, slotting her hips between Delphine's legs. "No. You're perfect. But you don't get to top every time."

Delphine inhales sharply when she feels Cosima's hips pressing in, her legs falling open reflexively. She winds her arms around the torso above her, pulling Cosima in, skin soft and supple under her hands. She slides her palms down along the swell of the smaller woman's hips, down until her fingers slide under the cotton of Cosima's underwear.

When Cosima pulls away, propped on her hands and knees above Delphine, she opens her eyes in confusion. "Cosima?"

"Shhhhh," Cosima's smile is heartbreakingly soft, eyes crinkling with it, and she shakes her head slightly, tips of her dreads grazing against Delphine's nipples, "I need you to do me a favor, love, okay?"

Delphine's eyes flutter involuntarily at the endearment and she stares up, waiting.

Cosima lowers herself slightly, planting a soft kiss against her collarbone, then cocks her head to make eye contact again. "I need you to just let me," another feather light kiss, slightly lower, "let me love you. Okay?"

She nods, closing her eyes, lets her head sink into the pillow. She feels the mattress dip slightly under the weight of Cosima's body and then a hot mouth closes on her nipple, her back arching into the touch.

Cosima's hands press her arms into the mattress, shifting lower, her mouth leaving a trail of burning kisses down her torso. Delphine screws her eyes shut, feels herself opening to the pull of desire, breath hitching audibly with each touch. She feels pulled apart by desire, the sensations too strong, too volatile, and she reaches for Cosima, hands grasping slim shoulders. Cosima pauses, mouth hovering above her abdomen and looks up. Delphine tries to calm her breathing, tries to speak, to explain but what she says is only, " _Please."_

Cosima takes her hand, lays a soft kiss on her palm. "I know," presses a kiss against her belly button, "I know. Let me." Delphine watches as she shifts slightly lower, rests her cheek against Delphine's thigh. And Delphine does, nodding, opens herself up. Cosima squeezes their intertwined fingers and smiles gently, then lowers her head almost reverently and makes her fall, makes her shatter with bliss.

 

* * *

 

The pale light of dawn casts Delphine's room in ethereal hues of blue when Cosima shudders with pleasure for a final time, breathless and boneless as Delphine slides up to nestle into her embrace. Cosima revels in the feel of Delphine, of her heat as they meld into one.

" _Je t'aime,_ " Delphine murmurs against her neck and Cosima's pulse flutters beneath skin warmed by the blonde's lips.

Cosima lays spent from the catharsis of the evening, and yet Delphine's quiet endearment floods her with renewed emotion and moisture begins to pool behind her eyes. She skims her hands up Delphine's bare back and wraps her arms around slim shoulders, caressing her cheek against smooth strands of gold.

"Stay," Cosima whispers into the stillness that has settled around them.

"Hmm?"

"Stay," she repeats, not much louder, but she knows by the way Delphine's muscles tense ever so slightly that she heard her. "With me. Please."

Delphine's chest rises and falls against her breast. "I'm already home," she replies, body relaxing once again into Cosima. "Where else would I go?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it." Cosima gives her a light squeeze, brushes her lips against Delphine's forehead. "So will you?"

Delphine shifts her face upward to meet her gaze, eyes dark and deep and soft in the dim light. Cosima holds her breath, doubt and fear of rejection creeping past her ribs the longer Delphine doesn't speak. But the _no_ or the _I can't_ never come. Delphine's only response is to bring their lips together, pressing closer until Cosima swears she can feel their mending hearts beat as one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it - and please note that this was made much better due to tireless efforts of the best beta, twig-height.


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